Having a Difficult Conversation - Tips for Effective Leaders

If you need to have a difficult conversation with a staff member follow these steps:

1. Prepare for the discussion,
2. Determine if this is a "development" meeting or a "corrective action" meeting
3. Ask questions - don't jump to conclusions, check your assumptions
4. Ask staff member if they are aware of the situation,
5. Ask their impression of the situation
6. Ask how they think the situation can be resolved
7. Stay on topic...don't "water down" the importance of this conversation
8. Collaborate on the development of an Action Plan
9. Set date for next meeting

"If you start a conversation with the assumption that you are right or that you must win, obviously it is difficult to talk."
Wendell Berry

Having Those Difficult Conversations - You Never Lose When You Face Up to Your Leadership Responsibility

Recently two clients that I’m coaching discussed with me situations that had their leaders addressed the issues and circumstances with them in a timely and honest fashion both individuals would have had a chance to develop and not be left bewildered, and not trusting of their  boss,  co-workers and the organization they work for.
The first case involved my client (I will call her Sue)  discussing with me the possible reasons why she was no longer a team leader.   Sue’s boss removed her of her leadership responsibilities and replaced her with a fellow team member. Her boss gave no reason for this, nor did Sue approach her for answers.  Six months later and close to Sue’s performance review she is wondering what happened, was she being sabotaged by the person who took her place as team leader or was there developmental issues that she needed to work on to be a more effective leader.

The second incident involved a situation where my client’s boss approved her cross-country trip to a suppliers office, only to be told by an administrative assistant to her boss several days before the trip that she was no longer approved to go.  My client approached her boss to find out why she was no longer going. And, all she got was that he did not make the decision, it was his assistant that decides who should go.   My client was left wondering who’s the boss and what is it about me that I can’t meet with suppliers.

Somethings as leaders are hard to address with our followers.  Sometimes we don’t address issues with staff members because we want to be liked.  We think that if we let some things go it will be less harmful than taking them head on.  The need to be liked is a strong one.  Social psychologists believe that there are two powerful motives individuals have at work; to be liked and to get ahead.  However, not addressing issues or decisions with those affected more than likely does more harm to your crediability as a leader, than not doing anything.  Difficult conversations are the most important conversations you can have as a leader.  It is an opportunity to exercise your leadership ability, and with effective interpersonal skills you will always come out ahead.  You never lose when you face up to your responsibilities as a leader.

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Happiness Through Having Meaningful Goals

The goal is to engage in activities that are both personally significant and enjoyable.

BEHAVIORS FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING

My prior Blog addressed the importance of listening skills in creating and maintaining interpersonal connections. Without effective listening skills you will not be perceived by your associates as an effective leader. If you think that improving your listening skills is worth the effort it will take you to change, follow these suggestions:

• Take an honest critical assessment of your listening behaviors,
• Determine which behaviors you routinely follow and those you could improve,
• Select 2-3 behaviors that you believe could benefit your effectiveness and you are willing to commit to improving, and
• Develop a list of actions that will lead to you achieving your goals.

Remember the best of the best reach that level because they practice the most, are committed to their goals, measure their progress, reassess their situation and adjust their behavior to stay on course.

Must Have Beaviors for Effective Listening

1. Sole attention on speaker
1. no cell phone, computer, text message interruptions
2. clear mind, focus is on speaker, no extraneous thoughts or ideas
3. Listen to speaker – do not be preparing response until speaker has finished
2. Understand what the speaker is saying
1. What are the contextual features of the situation that the speaker is talking about
2. Listen for, or ask Who, What, How, Where, When
3. Clarify your understanding of what the speaker said. Use your own words to tell the speaker what you heard them say – called Paraphrasing. Try, "I heard you say…………"
3. Understand the emotions behind the message.
1. Look for non-verbal cues (eyes, mouth, forehead, hands, posture)
2. Listen for tone, rate and fluctuations in speech
4. Not dominating the conversation. I give others a chance to talk.
5. I add to the conversation. When a person speaks to me I acknowledge respond appropriately to what they said. I do not move on to another topic without finishing current one.
6. I remember important things people have told me.
7. I make appropriate eye contact when conversing.
8. My eye contact is not too intense. I do not stare at the person.
9. I let the other person finish talking and finish their thought. I do not try and guess what the person is going to say next.
10. I do not immediately dismiss other people's suggestions or what they have to say.
11. I do not continually interrupt the other person when they are talking.
12. I am not always argumentative
13. I do not display non-verbal cues that tell the other person that I'm interested in what they have to say.
14. I never act like it is a hardship to see someone. I do not constantly watch the clock while someone is talking.
15. I do not dismiss someone if someone else happens along that has higher status than that person. 

Self Improvement Commitments:
What behaviors would your associates say you routinely exhibit that indicates you are listening effectively?

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What behaviors would your associates say you routinely exhibit that get in your way of listening effectively?

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My Listening Goals:

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Listening Behaviors/Problems I Want to Solve:

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Actions I Will Take, Behaviors I Will Exhibit to Reach My Goals and Solve My Behaviors/Problems

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